the good samaritan

And behold, a certain lawyer stood up and tempted jesus-called-iphone, saying, "Teacher, what must I do to have a reasonable bill?" He said to him, "What is written in the contract? How readest thou?" And answering, he said, "Thou shalt opt for the minimum in thou minutes, thou texts, and thou data plans, and thou shalt call only other at&t users during the week." He said to him, "Thou have answered correctly; do this, and thou shalt have a reasonable bill."

But he, wanting to justify himself, said, "But isn't that plan still unreasonable?"

And jesus answering said, "A certain man went down from Salt Lake to Las Vegas, and there he fell among thieves, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead. And by chance there came down a certain priest that way, but he did not have a cell phone, so he passed by on the other side of the strip. And likewise a social worker came to the man, but his phone was prepaid and out of minutes, and he had no data plan.

But a certain gambler between casinos came to the man and had compassion on him. And he went to him and used his iphone to find a cheap hotel room nearby, to call a cab and order a pizza for the man. And on the morrow when he departed, he took a picture of the man and put it on facebook with a humorous caption that made the man laugh.

Was the man's phone plan too expensive?"

And he said, "No, but that seems kind of extreme. I mean, how often..."

And jesus said to him, "Hark, didst thou say thou was a lawyer? Why art thou complaining? I'm outta here."

the beatitudes

Then jesus-called-iphone saw the crowds before him. So he went on a mountain and sat down. And his followers came to him and he began to teach them, saying:

"Blessed are the poor, for they can have an old model for only 99 shekels.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted by my many games.
Blessed are the meek, for people will notice them when they have me.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for my maps will show them a restaurant nearby.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will not grow bitter with AT&T.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will not be disappointed by the lack of adult apps in my app store.
Blessed are those who are persecuted for having me, for, at the end of the day, they still have me.

"Blessed are you when people hate you and persecute you for having me. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great, and anyway, they did the same thing to people who first had ipods. And now everyone has one."

jesus took a break

And jesus-called-iphone took a long hiatus from his awesome adventures, because his blogger was busy. But the blogger's friend casey told him to not abandon the blog, so he returned.

God gives out bumpers

Word spread that jesus-called-iphone would drop off when people grabbed his left knee. Soon, people who would not have grabbed jesus' left knee were grabbing it just to see if jesus would drop off, and truly, he would.

People soon began to wonder if God knew that jesus would do this when he baptized him. The people asked john the baptist, who said to them, "Jesus does not drop off when you grab his left knee. It just appears that way because he has a thing where he thinks he's falling asleep when he is really still awake. But God will provide an update to fix that." This caused the people to grab jesus' left knee even more, and post more videos on youtube. And the people said, "No, verily, it's a problem with jesus' knee and not his head."

Because of jesus' left knee problem, Religious Consumer Reports withdrew its recommendation of jesus, and many followers grew angry with God for creating a flawed messiah. Would-be followers turned away, and some of heaven's investors even left, saying "God's winning streak is over."

God then appeared in a cloud and spoke angrily to his people, saying, "Foolish creatures, have thou forgotten the Lord your God? Were you there when I created the ibook, or the ipad, or the ipod? Doest thou not know that all messiahs have problems when thou touchest them in some places? For behold barabbas-called-blackberry-bold and simeon-called-droid-eris, who also droppeth off." And God showed them videos of these teachers falling asleep when their followers would touch them. "Anyway, are you not aware that everyone loves my jesus, even more than they did before his baptism?"

Despite his angry words, god showed mercy on his people and provided them with things called "bumpers," to put on jesus' knee so he wouldn't drop off when they touched it. And investors returned to heaven, and all was right in the land. People grabbed jesus with their bumpers, and he did not drop off.

Still, the other would-be messiahs said that God had spoken falsely about their dropping off. But many people began grabbing their teachers in strange places to see if they would drop off, and some did.

Jesus gets baptised

One day, jesus-called-iphone was walking through the land and came upon the sea of galilee. Jesus made to wade into the water for his baptism, but all his followers rushed around jesus and prevented him from entering the water. For, verily, you didn't want to get your jesus wet.

But jesus told them, let me pass, for this is no ordinary water, but is upgrading water. And some of the disciples said, "Upgrade? But i just paid for this one like 3 months ago. Shall others receive an upgraded jesus for the same cost?" And jesus said, "Sucketh to be thou."

And jesus went into the water, and was baptized. And the heavens didst split, and a voice was heard, saying, "This is my beloved son, who bringeth me much revenue, whose accessibility and abundance of apps keep my investors happy." And jesus came from the water, shiny and new-looking.

But soon jesus' followers noticed that jesus was dropping off more frequently since his baptism. And some said, "Behold, I toldest thou we shouldn't have let him in the water." But others said, "This problem is not from the water, but from his signal strength, for verily he drops off whenever someone touches him on his left leg." Another disciple replied, "How many people need to touch jesus there?"

But, yea, at that moment, a follower had touched jesus on his left knee, and he immediately fell asleep. And someone took a video of this, and posted it on youtube, where many would-be followers watched it and were troubled.

the parable of the app pricing

Then jesus-called-iphone told them this parable:

"A master gave each of his servants one app, and said, 'Taketh this app, and maketh me some shekels.' And the first servant went out and sold his app to people for 100 minas. But this was too high, and few in the land purchased the app.

"And the second servant sold his app for 50 minas. And the app sold very well.

"And the third servant gave his app away for free, but made sure the app didn't perform at its highest. For, instead, he charged 10 minas a month to have full access to the app.

"And the master promoted the third servant, for he was particularly shrewd. Let him who has ears hear."

One of the disciples asked jesus, "Teacher, is it not foolish to give something away for free and hope that people will pay for more?" But jesus-called-iphone said, "Truly, you have much to learn about religion and consumerism."

There's an app for that

In those days, jesus-called-iphone began attracting many followers, who would come to listen to him speak and bear witness to his miracles.

And one day a crowd was gathered and jesus spoke to them many mysteries for many hours. And, lo, the people began to get hungry, so one of jesus' disciples came to him and said, "Master, these people are hungry, but there is no food. What should we do?" And jesus said, "There's an app for that." And levi-called-urbanspoon found a restaurant nearby, and behold, many pizzas were delivered. And the people said, "Surely, this is a miracle."

But, when the pizza got there, the disciples did not know how much to pay the delivery man, and so the disciples said, "Jesus, what should we do?" And jesus said, "There's an app for that." And benjamin-called-eztipcalculator came forward and told the disciples how much to pay the delivery man. And the people said, "Wow, two miracles in one day!"

As the night drew on, the disciples realized they needed a place to spend the night, so they came to jesus and said, "Master, we are miles from our homes and do not know where we shall stay." And jesus said, "Well, there's an app for that, too." And john-called-hotels.com found them a four star hotel for a very reasonable rate, verily. And the disciples were amazed, but some disciples said, "That catch phrase is kind of getting annoying."

jesus' new clothes

One day, jesus-called-iphone took some disciples up a mountain top to have a better signal. And jesus was walking a little ahead of the disciples, so when they looked up they saw jesus in bright new garments, with ipod and ipad at his sides. So the disciples knelt down and Peter-called-googleearth said, "Quick, let us build a tabernacle for them." And the other disciples were like, "That could take a while and I'm not really wearing my building clothes, so maybe we can just hang out."

And jesus came down to them, all shiny and new, and said, "Check out my new clothes. I'm upgraded. For verily, my reception is better, I look nicer, and now I can do two things at once." And jesus-called-iphone4 showed them his multitasking and they were amazed.

But thomas-called-pc doubted jesus' upgrade and said, "Master, are you sure you don't lose signal and drop off?" And jesus said, "I have placed my undergarments over my outergarments, and now my signal is very strong." And everyone was amazed, but thomas said, "Still, I will not believe until I have touched these undergarments." And jesus said, "Why doest thou doubt me, thomas?" But jesus told thomas to reach out his left hand and touch the undergarments. And thomas did as he had been told. And jesus dropped off, for there was a flaw in his undergarments.

And the people said to themselves, "This is not the messiah," while others said, "He just has a bad provider."

jesus gets his first app

And jesus-called-iphone spoke with many people and asked if they would like to be his apps. And the people said to him, "Teacher, what is an app?" And he replied, "Oh my children, how little you know, for soon you will not remember a world without apps." And they said, "Teacher, what are these things that we have not known about for so long?"

And he told them this parable, "A master had two servants. One of them did cool things, like finding cars in parking lots or telling you how much to leave as a tip after dinner. The other servant paid the first to do all his work for him. But the master took a cut, so he loved them both."

And they said, "Teacher, what is the meaning of this parable?" And Jesus said, "My children, the land is made of two kinds, the apps and the buyers of apps. And truly it is easier to be a buyer than an app, for many are the consumers, but an app will take the buyer's money."

And the people said to jesus, "I want to be an app so I can have some money." But he told them, "Truly it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for you to be my apps." And they said, "Things like finding cars and calculating tips don't seem that hard." But he said, "You do not know my father, for he is very particular about what apps I can accept." And jacob-called-freeadultpictures went away sad.

But one person stood up and said, "Jesus, I will be your app." And jesus saw simon-called-googleearth, and said, "Come, follow me, for you shall be my app."

jesus as a youth

One day when jesus-called-iphone was young, he went to the temple and debated with the elders. And they were amazed with his teachings, saying, "How can this youth speak to us with such wisdom when, verily, he cometh not from the blackberries nor the palms?" And the people all said to each other, "Truly this is the messiah, for look how he maketh the techies swoon."

But as jesus was talking, he would come to a particularly important part of his teachings when he would drop off from what he was saying. And the people said, "Maybe he is not the messiah, for yea, though he speaks with much wisdom, is easy to converse with, is simple, and has much hipster cred, still he keeps dropping what he is saying when we are trying to talk with him."

But the techie elders said, "Lo, it is not jesus' fault, but that of his provider, whose coverage is poor." And the people knew this was true, so they said to jesus, "Master, maybe if you cometh away from the temple, and goeth up on that hill, you will have coverage and we can better learn your teachings."

And jesus went with them out of the temple and up the hill, and yea, he did haveth three bars.

the birth of jesus iphone

Seeing these false messiahs, god looked around and said, "I will bring forth a messiah and he shall be superior in many ways to these other messiahs." And many people believed god for, lo, he was on a winning streak (ever since the other gods decided to give him control of the company again - but that is covered in the old testament of our apple).

And god said to his angels, seraphim, cherubim, and developers, "Thus saith s.j. your god, you will make for me a messiah, and he will be attractive, approachable, hip with the youngsters, and he shall connect well with my other creations. You shall do this very quickly, and very quietly. If you speak of this with anyone I will banish you from heaven, for behold, i am a jealous god." And god's servants did as told because they had pretty kick-ass jobs, actually. But somehow word spread across the land that god was building a messiah and the people began to say, "when will the messiah come," and "maybe god's gone too far this time."

Then one day, god held a publicity event because, verily, god likes hype. And he brought for the messiah, and said, "Behold my son, iphone. You may call him jesus." And god showed the people jesus' beauty, simplicity, easiness, and hipster street cred, and the people began to wonder if this was really the messiah.

a decree went out

In those days, a decree went out among the land, and all the people were like, "We like our cell phones, and we like our computers, and we like our mp3 players, but like, can't we simplify things a bit." And, yea, there were many false messiahs in those days, but they were easy to spot because they were clunky.

And verily, the land was divided among various sects of techies, and each produced their own hopeful messiahs. And, yea, people thought the messiah would come from one of two of these, the palms and the blackberries.

The palms brought forth treo. And treo was very organized. And the people came to treo and said, "lord, tell us what we should do." And treo said, "At 9 a.m. you are scheduled to work. At 10:30, you have a conference call. At 12, you have lunch for an hour. At 2 p.m. your dry cleaning is ready. And at 5 p.m. you are heading home." And the people said, "Uh, thanks. We were kind of hoping for something deeper, but that's useful."

The blackberries brought forth a series of messiahs that were hard to remember because they all had numbers for names. And the people said, "please, 6210, tell us what is the meaning of life?" And their master replied, "you have a new email." And the blackberry followers became addicted, and went everywhere with their master.

And, yea, these would-be messiahs worked many wonders in the land, and many professionals didst follow them. But most of the people of the land were overwhelmed by their complexities, and, verily, it was kind of expensive to become a disciple.