One day, jesus-called-iphone was walking through the land and came upon the sea of galilee. Jesus made to wade into the water for his baptism, but all his followers rushed around jesus and prevented him from entering the water. For, verily, you didn't want to get your jesus wet.
But jesus told them, let me pass, for this is no ordinary water, but is upgrading water. And some of the disciples said, "Upgrade? But i just paid for this one like 3 months ago. Shall others receive an upgraded jesus for the same cost?" And jesus said, "Sucketh to be thou."
And jesus went into the water, and was baptized. And the heavens didst split, and a voice was heard, saying, "This is my beloved son, who bringeth me much revenue, whose accessibility and abundance of apps keep my investors happy." And jesus came from the water, shiny and new-looking.
But soon jesus' followers noticed that jesus was dropping off more frequently since his baptism. And some said, "Behold, I toldest thou we shouldn't have let him in the water." But others said, "This problem is not from the water, but from his signal strength, for verily he drops off whenever someone touches him on his left leg." Another disciple replied, "How many people need to touch jesus there?"
But, yea, at that moment, a follower had touched jesus on his left knee, and he immediately fell asleep. And someone took a video of this, and posted it on youtube, where many would-be followers watched it and were troubled.
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