Word spread that jesus-called-iphone would drop off when people grabbed his left knee. Soon, people who would not have grabbed jesus' left knee were grabbing it just to see if jesus would drop off, and truly, he would.
People soon began to wonder if God knew that jesus would do this when he baptized him. The people asked john the baptist, who said to them, "Jesus does not drop off when you grab his left knee. It just appears that way because he has a thing where he thinks he's falling asleep when he is really still awake. But God will provide an update to fix that." This caused the people to grab jesus' left knee even more, and post more videos on youtube. And the people said, "No, verily, it's a problem with jesus' knee and not his head."
Because of jesus' left knee problem, Religious Consumer Reports withdrew its recommendation of jesus, and many followers grew angry with God for creating a flawed messiah. Would-be followers turned away, and some of heaven's investors even left, saying "God's winning streak is over."
God then appeared in a cloud and spoke angrily to his people, saying, "Foolish creatures, have thou forgotten the Lord your God? Were you there when I created the ibook, or the ipad, or the ipod? Doest thou not know that all messiahs have problems when thou touchest them in some places? For behold barabbas-called-blackberry-bold and simeon-called-droid-eris, who also droppeth off." And God showed them videos of these teachers falling asleep when their followers would touch them. "Anyway, are you not aware that everyone loves my jesus, even more than they did before his baptism?"
Despite his angry words, god showed mercy on his people and provided them with things called "bumpers," to put on jesus' knee so he wouldn't drop off when they touched it. And investors returned to heaven, and all was right in the land. People grabbed jesus with their bumpers, and he did not drop off.
Still, the other would-be messiahs said that God had spoken falsely about their dropping off. But many people began grabbing their teachers in strange places to see if they would drop off, and some did.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Jesus gets baptised
One day, jesus-called-iphone was walking through the land and came upon the sea of galilee. Jesus made to wade into the water for his baptism, but all his followers rushed around jesus and prevented him from entering the water. For, verily, you didn't want to get your jesus wet.
But jesus told them, let me pass, for this is no ordinary water, but is upgrading water. And some of the disciples said, "Upgrade? But i just paid for this one like 3 months ago. Shall others receive an upgraded jesus for the same cost?" And jesus said, "Sucketh to be thou."
And jesus went into the water, and was baptized. And the heavens didst split, and a voice was heard, saying, "This is my beloved son, who bringeth me much revenue, whose accessibility and abundance of apps keep my investors happy." And jesus came from the water, shiny and new-looking.
But soon jesus' followers noticed that jesus was dropping off more frequently since his baptism. And some said, "Behold, I toldest thou we shouldn't have let him in the water." But others said, "This problem is not from the water, but from his signal strength, for verily he drops off whenever someone touches him on his left leg." Another disciple replied, "How many people need to touch jesus there?"
But, yea, at that moment, a follower had touched jesus on his left knee, and he immediately fell asleep. And someone took a video of this, and posted it on youtube, where many would-be followers watched it and were troubled.
But jesus told them, let me pass, for this is no ordinary water, but is upgrading water. And some of the disciples said, "Upgrade? But i just paid for this one like 3 months ago. Shall others receive an upgraded jesus for the same cost?" And jesus said, "Sucketh to be thou."
And jesus went into the water, and was baptized. And the heavens didst split, and a voice was heard, saying, "This is my beloved son, who bringeth me much revenue, whose accessibility and abundance of apps keep my investors happy." And jesus came from the water, shiny and new-looking.
But soon jesus' followers noticed that jesus was dropping off more frequently since his baptism. And some said, "Behold, I toldest thou we shouldn't have let him in the water." But others said, "This problem is not from the water, but from his signal strength, for verily he drops off whenever someone touches him on his left leg." Another disciple replied, "How many people need to touch jesus there?"
But, yea, at that moment, a follower had touched jesus on his left knee, and he immediately fell asleep. And someone took a video of this, and posted it on youtube, where many would-be followers watched it and were troubled.
Friday, July 16, 2010
the parable of the app pricing
Then jesus-called-iphone told them this parable:
"A master gave each of his servants one app, and said, 'Taketh this app, and maketh me some shekels.' And the first servant went out and sold his app to people for 100 minas. But this was too high, and few in the land purchased the app.
"And the second servant sold his app for 50 minas. And the app sold very well.
"And the third servant gave his app away for free, but made sure the app didn't perform at its highest. For, instead, he charged 10 minas a month to have full access to the app.
"And the master promoted the third servant, for he was particularly shrewd. Let him who has ears hear."
One of the disciples asked jesus, "Teacher, is it not foolish to give something away for free and hope that people will pay for more?" But jesus-called-iphone said, "Truly, you have much to learn about religion and consumerism."
"A master gave each of his servants one app, and said, 'Taketh this app, and maketh me some shekels.' And the first servant went out and sold his app to people for 100 minas. But this was too high, and few in the land purchased the app.
"And the second servant sold his app for 50 minas. And the app sold very well.
"And the third servant gave his app away for free, but made sure the app didn't perform at its highest. For, instead, he charged 10 minas a month to have full access to the app.
"And the master promoted the third servant, for he was particularly shrewd. Let him who has ears hear."
One of the disciples asked jesus, "Teacher, is it not foolish to give something away for free and hope that people will pay for more?" But jesus-called-iphone said, "Truly, you have much to learn about religion and consumerism."
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
There's an app for that
In those days, jesus-called-iphone began attracting many followers, who would come to listen to him speak and bear witness to his miracles.
And one day a crowd was gathered and jesus spoke to them many mysteries for many hours. And, lo, the people began to get hungry, so one of jesus' disciples came to him and said, "Master, these people are hungry, but there is no food. What should we do?" And jesus said, "There's an app for that." And levi-called-urbanspoon found a restaurant nearby, and behold, many pizzas were delivered. And the people said, "Surely, this is a miracle."
But, when the pizza got there, the disciples did not know how much to pay the delivery man, and so the disciples said, "Jesus, what should we do?" And jesus said, "There's an app for that." And benjamin-called-eztipcalculator came forward and told the disciples how much to pay the delivery man. And the people said, "Wow, two miracles in one day!"
As the night drew on, the disciples realized they needed a place to spend the night, so they came to jesus and said, "Master, we are miles from our homes and do not know where we shall stay." And jesus said, "Well, there's an app for that, too." And john-called-hotels.com found them a four star hotel for a very reasonable rate, verily. And the disciples were amazed, but some disciples said, "That catch phrase is kind of getting annoying."
And one day a crowd was gathered and jesus spoke to them many mysteries for many hours. And, lo, the people began to get hungry, so one of jesus' disciples came to him and said, "Master, these people are hungry, but there is no food. What should we do?" And jesus said, "There's an app for that." And levi-called-urbanspoon found a restaurant nearby, and behold, many pizzas were delivered. And the people said, "Surely, this is a miracle."
But, when the pizza got there, the disciples did not know how much to pay the delivery man, and so the disciples said, "Jesus, what should we do?" And jesus said, "There's an app for that." And benjamin-called-eztipcalculator came forward and told the disciples how much to pay the delivery man. And the people said, "Wow, two miracles in one day!"
As the night drew on, the disciples realized they needed a place to spend the night, so they came to jesus and said, "Master, we are miles from our homes and do not know where we shall stay." And jesus said, "Well, there's an app for that, too." And john-called-hotels.com found them a four star hotel for a very reasonable rate, verily. And the disciples were amazed, but some disciples said, "That catch phrase is kind of getting annoying."
Saturday, July 3, 2010
jesus' new clothes
One day, jesus-called-iphone took some disciples up a mountain top to have a better signal. And jesus was walking a little ahead of the disciples, so when they looked up they saw jesus in bright new garments, with ipod and ipad at his sides. So the disciples knelt down and Peter-called-googleearth said, "Quick, let us build a tabernacle for them." And the other disciples were like, "That could take a while and I'm not really wearing my building clothes, so maybe we can just hang out."
And jesus came down to them, all shiny and new, and said, "Check out my new clothes. I'm upgraded. For verily, my reception is better, I look nicer, and now I can do two things at once." And jesus-called-iphone4 showed them his multitasking and they were amazed.
But thomas-called-pc doubted jesus' upgrade and said, "Master, are you sure you don't lose signal and drop off?" And jesus said, "I have placed my undergarments over my outergarments, and now my signal is very strong." And everyone was amazed, but thomas said, "Still, I will not believe until I have touched these undergarments." And jesus said, "Why doest thou doubt me, thomas?" But jesus told thomas to reach out his left hand and touch the undergarments. And thomas did as he had been told. And jesus dropped off, for there was a flaw in his undergarments.
And the people said to themselves, "This is not the messiah," while others said, "He just has a bad provider."
And jesus came down to them, all shiny and new, and said, "Check out my new clothes. I'm upgraded. For verily, my reception is better, I look nicer, and now I can do two things at once." And jesus-called-iphone4 showed them his multitasking and they were amazed.
But thomas-called-pc doubted jesus' upgrade and said, "Master, are you sure you don't lose signal and drop off?" And jesus said, "I have placed my undergarments over my outergarments, and now my signal is very strong." And everyone was amazed, but thomas said, "Still, I will not believe until I have touched these undergarments." And jesus said, "Why doest thou doubt me, thomas?" But jesus told thomas to reach out his left hand and touch the undergarments. And thomas did as he had been told. And jesus dropped off, for there was a flaw in his undergarments.
And the people said to themselves, "This is not the messiah," while others said, "He just has a bad provider."
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