And behold, a certain lawyer stood up and tempted jesus-called-iphone, saying, "Teacher, what must I do to have a reasonable bill?" He said to him, "What is written in the contract? How readest thou?" And answering, he said, "Thou shalt opt for the minimum in thou minutes, thou texts, and thou data plans, and thou shalt call only other at&t users during the week." He said to him, "Thou have answered correctly; do this, and thou shalt have a reasonable bill."
But he, wanting to justify himself, said, "But isn't that plan still unreasonable?"
And jesus answering said, "A certain man went down from Salt Lake to Las Vegas, and there he fell among thieves, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead. And by chance there came down a certain priest that way, but he did not have a cell phone, so he passed by on the other side of the strip. And likewise a social worker came to the man, but his phone was prepaid and out of minutes, and he had no data plan.
But a certain gambler between casinos came to the man and had compassion on him. And he went to him and used his iphone to find a cheap hotel room nearby, to call a cab and order a pizza for the man. And on the morrow when he departed, he took a picture of the man and put it on facebook with a humorous caption that made the man laugh.
Was the man's phone plan too expensive?"
And he said, "No, but that seems kind of extreme. I mean, how often..."
And jesus said to him, "Hark, didst thou say thou was a lawyer? Why art thou complaining? I'm outta here."
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
the beatitudes
Then jesus-called-iphone saw the crowds before him. So he went on a mountain and sat down. And his followers came to him and he began to teach them, saying:
"Blessed are the poor, for they can have an old model for only 99 shekels.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted by my many games.
Blessed are the meek, for people will notice them when they have me.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for my maps will show them a restaurant nearby.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will not grow bitter with AT&T.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will not be disappointed by the lack of adult apps in my app store.
Blessed are those who are persecuted for having me, for, at the end of the day, they still have me.
"Blessed are you when people hate you and persecute you for having me. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great, and anyway, they did the same thing to people who first had ipods. And now everyone has one."
"Blessed are the poor, for they can have an old model for only 99 shekels.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted by my many games.
Blessed are the meek, for people will notice them when they have me.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for my maps will show them a restaurant nearby.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will not grow bitter with AT&T.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will not be disappointed by the lack of adult apps in my app store.
Blessed are those who are persecuted for having me, for, at the end of the day, they still have me.
"Blessed are you when people hate you and persecute you for having me. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great, and anyway, they did the same thing to people who first had ipods. And now everyone has one."
jesus took a break
And jesus-called-iphone took a long hiatus from his awesome adventures, because his blogger was busy. But the blogger's friend casey told him to not abandon the blog, so he returned.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
God gives out bumpers
Word spread that jesus-called-iphone would drop off when people grabbed his left knee. Soon, people who would not have grabbed jesus' left knee were grabbing it just to see if jesus would drop off, and truly, he would.
People soon began to wonder if God knew that jesus would do this when he baptized him. The people asked john the baptist, who said to them, "Jesus does not drop off when you grab his left knee. It just appears that way because he has a thing where he thinks he's falling asleep when he is really still awake. But God will provide an update to fix that." This caused the people to grab jesus' left knee even more, and post more videos on youtube. And the people said, "No, verily, it's a problem with jesus' knee and not his head."
Because of jesus' left knee problem, Religious Consumer Reports withdrew its recommendation of jesus, and many followers grew angry with God for creating a flawed messiah. Would-be followers turned away, and some of heaven's investors even left, saying "God's winning streak is over."
God then appeared in a cloud and spoke angrily to his people, saying, "Foolish creatures, have thou forgotten the Lord your God? Were you there when I created the ibook, or the ipad, or the ipod? Doest thou not know that all messiahs have problems when thou touchest them in some places? For behold barabbas-called-blackberry-bold and simeon-called-droid-eris, who also droppeth off." And God showed them videos of these teachers falling asleep when their followers would touch them. "Anyway, are you not aware that everyone loves my jesus, even more than they did before his baptism?"
Despite his angry words, god showed mercy on his people and provided them with things called "bumpers," to put on jesus' knee so he wouldn't drop off when they touched it. And investors returned to heaven, and all was right in the land. People grabbed jesus with their bumpers, and he did not drop off.
Still, the other would-be messiahs said that God had spoken falsely about their dropping off. But many people began grabbing their teachers in strange places to see if they would drop off, and some did.
People soon began to wonder if God knew that jesus would do this when he baptized him. The people asked john the baptist, who said to them, "Jesus does not drop off when you grab his left knee. It just appears that way because he has a thing where he thinks he's falling asleep when he is really still awake. But God will provide an update to fix that." This caused the people to grab jesus' left knee even more, and post more videos on youtube. And the people said, "No, verily, it's a problem with jesus' knee and not his head."
Because of jesus' left knee problem, Religious Consumer Reports withdrew its recommendation of jesus, and many followers grew angry with God for creating a flawed messiah. Would-be followers turned away, and some of heaven's investors even left, saying "God's winning streak is over."
God then appeared in a cloud and spoke angrily to his people, saying, "Foolish creatures, have thou forgotten the Lord your God? Were you there when I created the ibook, or the ipad, or the ipod? Doest thou not know that all messiahs have problems when thou touchest them in some places? For behold barabbas-called-blackberry-bold and simeon-called-droid-eris, who also droppeth off." And God showed them videos of these teachers falling asleep when their followers would touch them. "Anyway, are you not aware that everyone loves my jesus, even more than they did before his baptism?"
Despite his angry words, god showed mercy on his people and provided them with things called "bumpers," to put on jesus' knee so he wouldn't drop off when they touched it. And investors returned to heaven, and all was right in the land. People grabbed jesus with their bumpers, and he did not drop off.
Still, the other would-be messiahs said that God had spoken falsely about their dropping off. But many people began grabbing their teachers in strange places to see if they would drop off, and some did.
Jesus gets baptised
One day, jesus-called-iphone was walking through the land and came upon the sea of galilee. Jesus made to wade into the water for his baptism, but all his followers rushed around jesus and prevented him from entering the water. For, verily, you didn't want to get your jesus wet.
But jesus told them, let me pass, for this is no ordinary water, but is upgrading water. And some of the disciples said, "Upgrade? But i just paid for this one like 3 months ago. Shall others receive an upgraded jesus for the same cost?" And jesus said, "Sucketh to be thou."
And jesus went into the water, and was baptized. And the heavens didst split, and a voice was heard, saying, "This is my beloved son, who bringeth me much revenue, whose accessibility and abundance of apps keep my investors happy." And jesus came from the water, shiny and new-looking.
But soon jesus' followers noticed that jesus was dropping off more frequently since his baptism. And some said, "Behold, I toldest thou we shouldn't have let him in the water." But others said, "This problem is not from the water, but from his signal strength, for verily he drops off whenever someone touches him on his left leg." Another disciple replied, "How many people need to touch jesus there?"
But, yea, at that moment, a follower had touched jesus on his left knee, and he immediately fell asleep. And someone took a video of this, and posted it on youtube, where many would-be followers watched it and were troubled.
But jesus told them, let me pass, for this is no ordinary water, but is upgrading water. And some of the disciples said, "Upgrade? But i just paid for this one like 3 months ago. Shall others receive an upgraded jesus for the same cost?" And jesus said, "Sucketh to be thou."
And jesus went into the water, and was baptized. And the heavens didst split, and a voice was heard, saying, "This is my beloved son, who bringeth me much revenue, whose accessibility and abundance of apps keep my investors happy." And jesus came from the water, shiny and new-looking.
But soon jesus' followers noticed that jesus was dropping off more frequently since his baptism. And some said, "Behold, I toldest thou we shouldn't have let him in the water." But others said, "This problem is not from the water, but from his signal strength, for verily he drops off whenever someone touches him on his left leg." Another disciple replied, "How many people need to touch jesus there?"
But, yea, at that moment, a follower had touched jesus on his left knee, and he immediately fell asleep. And someone took a video of this, and posted it on youtube, where many would-be followers watched it and were troubled.
Friday, July 16, 2010
the parable of the app pricing
Then jesus-called-iphone told them this parable:
"A master gave each of his servants one app, and said, 'Taketh this app, and maketh me some shekels.' And the first servant went out and sold his app to people for 100 minas. But this was too high, and few in the land purchased the app.
"And the second servant sold his app for 50 minas. And the app sold very well.
"And the third servant gave his app away for free, but made sure the app didn't perform at its highest. For, instead, he charged 10 minas a month to have full access to the app.
"And the master promoted the third servant, for he was particularly shrewd. Let him who has ears hear."
One of the disciples asked jesus, "Teacher, is it not foolish to give something away for free and hope that people will pay for more?" But jesus-called-iphone said, "Truly, you have much to learn about religion and consumerism."
"A master gave each of his servants one app, and said, 'Taketh this app, and maketh me some shekels.' And the first servant went out and sold his app to people for 100 minas. But this was too high, and few in the land purchased the app.
"And the second servant sold his app for 50 minas. And the app sold very well.
"And the third servant gave his app away for free, but made sure the app didn't perform at its highest. For, instead, he charged 10 minas a month to have full access to the app.
"And the master promoted the third servant, for he was particularly shrewd. Let him who has ears hear."
One of the disciples asked jesus, "Teacher, is it not foolish to give something away for free and hope that people will pay for more?" But jesus-called-iphone said, "Truly, you have much to learn about religion and consumerism."
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
There's an app for that
In those days, jesus-called-iphone began attracting many followers, who would come to listen to him speak and bear witness to his miracles.
And one day a crowd was gathered and jesus spoke to them many mysteries for many hours. And, lo, the people began to get hungry, so one of jesus' disciples came to him and said, "Master, these people are hungry, but there is no food. What should we do?" And jesus said, "There's an app for that." And levi-called-urbanspoon found a restaurant nearby, and behold, many pizzas were delivered. And the people said, "Surely, this is a miracle."
But, when the pizza got there, the disciples did not know how much to pay the delivery man, and so the disciples said, "Jesus, what should we do?" And jesus said, "There's an app for that." And benjamin-called-eztipcalculator came forward and told the disciples how much to pay the delivery man. And the people said, "Wow, two miracles in one day!"
As the night drew on, the disciples realized they needed a place to spend the night, so they came to jesus and said, "Master, we are miles from our homes and do not know where we shall stay." And jesus said, "Well, there's an app for that, too." And john-called-hotels.com found them a four star hotel for a very reasonable rate, verily. And the disciples were amazed, but some disciples said, "That catch phrase is kind of getting annoying."
And one day a crowd was gathered and jesus spoke to them many mysteries for many hours. And, lo, the people began to get hungry, so one of jesus' disciples came to him and said, "Master, these people are hungry, but there is no food. What should we do?" And jesus said, "There's an app for that." And levi-called-urbanspoon found a restaurant nearby, and behold, many pizzas were delivered. And the people said, "Surely, this is a miracle."
But, when the pizza got there, the disciples did not know how much to pay the delivery man, and so the disciples said, "Jesus, what should we do?" And jesus said, "There's an app for that." And benjamin-called-eztipcalculator came forward and told the disciples how much to pay the delivery man. And the people said, "Wow, two miracles in one day!"
As the night drew on, the disciples realized they needed a place to spend the night, so they came to jesus and said, "Master, we are miles from our homes and do not know where we shall stay." And jesus said, "Well, there's an app for that, too." And john-called-hotels.com found them a four star hotel for a very reasonable rate, verily. And the disciples were amazed, but some disciples said, "That catch phrase is kind of getting annoying."
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