jesus gets his first app

And jesus-called-iphone spoke with many people and asked if they would like to be his apps. And the people said to him, "Teacher, what is an app?" And he replied, "Oh my children, how little you know, for soon you will not remember a world without apps." And they said, "Teacher, what are these things that we have not known about for so long?"

And he told them this parable, "A master had two servants. One of them did cool things, like finding cars in parking lots or telling you how much to leave as a tip after dinner. The other servant paid the first to do all his work for him. But the master took a cut, so he loved them both."

And they said, "Teacher, what is the meaning of this parable?" And Jesus said, "My children, the land is made of two kinds, the apps and the buyers of apps. And truly it is easier to be a buyer than an app, for many are the consumers, but an app will take the buyer's money."

And the people said to jesus, "I want to be an app so I can have some money." But he told them, "Truly it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for you to be my apps." And they said, "Things like finding cars and calculating tips don't seem that hard." But he said, "You do not know my father, for he is very particular about what apps I can accept." And jacob-called-freeadultpictures went away sad.

But one person stood up and said, "Jesus, I will be your app." And jesus saw simon-called-googleearth, and said, "Come, follow me, for you shall be my app."

jesus as a youth

One day when jesus-called-iphone was young, he went to the temple and debated with the elders. And they were amazed with his teachings, saying, "How can this youth speak to us with such wisdom when, verily, he cometh not from the blackberries nor the palms?" And the people all said to each other, "Truly this is the messiah, for look how he maketh the techies swoon."

But as jesus was talking, he would come to a particularly important part of his teachings when he would drop off from what he was saying. And the people said, "Maybe he is not the messiah, for yea, though he speaks with much wisdom, is easy to converse with, is simple, and has much hipster cred, still he keeps dropping what he is saying when we are trying to talk with him."

But the techie elders said, "Lo, it is not jesus' fault, but that of his provider, whose coverage is poor." And the people knew this was true, so they said to jesus, "Master, maybe if you cometh away from the temple, and goeth up on that hill, you will have coverage and we can better learn your teachings."

And jesus went with them out of the temple and up the hill, and yea, he did haveth three bars.

the birth of jesus iphone

Seeing these false messiahs, god looked around and said, "I will bring forth a messiah and he shall be superior in many ways to these other messiahs." And many people believed god for, lo, he was on a winning streak (ever since the other gods decided to give him control of the company again - but that is covered in the old testament of our apple).

And god said to his angels, seraphim, cherubim, and developers, "Thus saith s.j. your god, you will make for me a messiah, and he will be attractive, approachable, hip with the youngsters, and he shall connect well with my other creations. You shall do this very quickly, and very quietly. If you speak of this with anyone I will banish you from heaven, for behold, i am a jealous god." And god's servants did as told because they had pretty kick-ass jobs, actually. But somehow word spread across the land that god was building a messiah and the people began to say, "when will the messiah come," and "maybe god's gone too far this time."

Then one day, god held a publicity event because, verily, god likes hype. And he brought for the messiah, and said, "Behold my son, iphone. You may call him jesus." And god showed the people jesus' beauty, simplicity, easiness, and hipster street cred, and the people began to wonder if this was really the messiah.

a decree went out

In those days, a decree went out among the land, and all the people were like, "We like our cell phones, and we like our computers, and we like our mp3 players, but like, can't we simplify things a bit." And, yea, there were many false messiahs in those days, but they were easy to spot because they were clunky.

And verily, the land was divided among various sects of techies, and each produced their own hopeful messiahs. And, yea, people thought the messiah would come from one of two of these, the palms and the blackberries.

The palms brought forth treo. And treo was very organized. And the people came to treo and said, "lord, tell us what we should do." And treo said, "At 9 a.m. you are scheduled to work. At 10:30, you have a conference call. At 12, you have lunch for an hour. At 2 p.m. your dry cleaning is ready. And at 5 p.m. you are heading home." And the people said, "Uh, thanks. We were kind of hoping for something deeper, but that's useful."

The blackberries brought forth a series of messiahs that were hard to remember because they all had numbers for names. And the people said, "please, 6210, tell us what is the meaning of life?" And their master replied, "you have a new email." And the blackberry followers became addicted, and went everywhere with their master.

And, yea, these would-be messiahs worked many wonders in the land, and many professionals didst follow them. But most of the people of the land were overwhelmed by their complexities, and, verily, it was kind of expensive to become a disciple.